Facebook Rulebook

Facebook has officially taken over the world. For centuries people have dreamt of world domination and failed miserably. Well, Mark Zuckerberg, you did it. You achieved what millions have failed to do. Congratulations on your invention that may well be the downfall of society and the human race. We're all very proud of you.

But I'm not writing this post to complain about Facebook. That would make me hypocritical. I, like 90% of people out there (even old people, which kind of freaks me out), use Facebook, though my addiction is significantly less severe than so many out there. I can easily live without Facebook with a small amountof self control, something most cannot say.

Though I use this site, I can't pretend that things (and people) on it don't annoy me. Since Facebook is taking over the world, I've decided there needs to be rules established for this kingdom to prevent such annoying anarchy. Therefore, I have come up with a list of rules for Facebook. You must all now follow them, or face my wrath.

There are five main components that make up Facebook, and each has their own rules.

The Profile Picture: The profile picture is major component of Facebook, considering modern society places so much importance on appearance.

1. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at pictures of people (mostly girls, but this does not exclude you guys!) taken by themselves in the bathroom mirror. Come up with something better! It is really that hard to walk outside and point the camera at yourself? I've learned more about peoples' bathrooms from those pictures that their appearance. And FYI… fluorescent lighting makes you look green.

2. Guys- DO NOT make your profile picture one of your flexing. No, you don't look "buff" and it does not make others think you are cool. It also does not make girls think you're hot. You just look like a douche.

The Status: The Status is perhaps the most important aspect of Facebook. It is a gateway into your thoughts and life. A bad status can change the way people view you. Therefore, it has many rules.

1. Don't post vague statuses. I hate when people write something like, "Something really exciting happened today!" Yeah…. Soooooo? WHAT WAS IT? Seriously, don't post something if you're not going to tell others what it's about. If you don't want people to know details, then you probably shouldn't post anything about it on Facebook at all.

2. Be intelligent. I now this can be difficult for many of you out there, but please try. By intelligent, I don't mean that you have to say some sort of deep profound epiphany that will go down as history in the philosophy books. Just put some thought it what you say. Make sure others will actually care what you say and please, please, please spell it right! I'll give you a hint: If you aren't so good at spelling, Google Chrome has spell check for everything you type. There is no excuse for stupid misspelled words. Also, don't use text abbreviations. Don't say lol or 2 or anything like that. They're bad enough on cell phones. Don't let them invade computers.

3. Post things that summarize your day or a specific profound event. Don't tell us a menial aspect of your day like, "Brushing my teeth. Minty! Hahahaha!" We don't care about every little second of your life. I sure don't go no Facebook saying, "I wonder if so and so if eating dinner right now. I wonder what they’re having. I really hope they posted!" In fact, no one really cares about you say period. They read it because it's there. So please spare your friends of the dumb constant meaningless updates. That's what Twitter is for.

4. Control the number of times a day you post. Obviously if someone looks at your wall and see you've updated your status 5 times already, they are left with the obvious conclusion that you have no life. I know some of you don't, but you don't need to unknowingly advertise it by constantly doing things on Facebook. Limit your status updates to once, maybe twice, a day.

5. Don't post inside jokes as your status. Those are reserved for walls specifically. If you want to share an inside joke with a friend, post it on their wall. If you put it as your status, chances are they won't even see it. Hate to break it to you but your activity only shows up on about 30% of your friends' news feed. By the way, did you know that 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot? Anyway, please don't post statuses that will not serve their purpose and simply confuse all others who read it.

6. If you post a quote, post something either deep and thoughtful, or genuinely humorous. This goes the same for song lyrics. No one needs to read lyrics like, "My lip gloss brings all the boys to the yard." I think everyone can live without ever hearing or even reading that.

Pictures: Pictures are the third most crucial component of Facebook. They are it's visual and, considering we like in a scoiety of illiteral people who focus entirely on the visual aspect of everything, you need good pictures. This is 90% of all people: "Hey, words! I wonder what they say. Ooooh! Pictures! Let's look at those instead." Even if you are the most intelligent person which you demonstrate in your statuses, one dumb picture can ruin it all. Thus, here are some rules:

1. Don't post provocative pictures. This is the worst thing you can possibly do. It makes you look trashy and skanky. Most people don't realize that colleges and employers often look at Facebook profiles. Bad pictures can completely ruin your chances of getting hired to accepted to a college. Besides, do you really want creepy people looking at such pictures? Not likely.

2. Don't post drunken party pictures of you acting stupid. This goes for the same reasons as above.

3. Don't post bad pictures of friends. They will hate you. Granted, sometimes friends still get angry for pictures you post that they think look bad that really don't look bad. Use your judgment in such cases. If you think it looks bad, chances are everyone else will, too.

4. Don't call yourself a photographer on your albums just because you were screwing around with a camera and got a few good pictures. This does not make you qualified as a photographer. It will only annoy those of us that are who have actually studied it and made a business out of it.

Apps: Apps can be a fun aspect of Facebook if youa re bored. However, not everyone has time to play on such games. Therefore, DO NOT send requests to other to "join me on your farm!" We don't want to! And even if we did, we may not have time so by flaunting that you have time to play games, you're pretty much slapping us in the face. It's a way of saying "Haha, your life sucks." But most the time, we just don't want to play stupid meaningless, pointless games. We would rather be doing something productive so stop sending requests. And please don't answer questions either. Most people don't care if you think they look good in a bathing suit. Not to mention the fact that an offensive answer on such applications can give you enemies for life.

Friends: What would Facebook be without friends? Nothing. You would be a lonely soul posting things for no one only pretending like people care. Gee, kind of sounds like blogging. Hmm... Anyhow, friending is also a fine art to master in the concept of Facebooking.

1. Don't confirm friend requests from people you don't know. Can we say Facebook stalker?

2. Vice versa, don't friend request people you don't know. Then you become the stalker. If you're going to stalk, be discrete about it.

3. Don't accept requests from people you KNOW you don't like or find annoying. This simply means that you will end up seeing all of their annoying posts that will make you want to rip your hair out as you read them.

4. Lastly, and most importantly, DO NOT friend your parents. I think we can all understand why on this one without explanation.

So there you have it: The Official Guide to Facebook. Follow it or I will find you and hunt you down on Facebook.

Now, as a fun little bonus, I put together a list of signs to tell if you or someone else is Fobsessed (Get it? Facebook Obsessed- Fobsessed? Okay, it's not that funny).

You know you're Fobsessed when you…

1. Facebook stalk on a daily basis

2. Update your status more than two times a day.

3. Go into withdrawal period where you have uncontrollable seizures when you must go a day without Facebook.

4. Have over 500 friends. I mean come on, it's not like you're actually friends with that many people. That many people don't seriously like you. They just accept your friend request because they are tired of ignoring it as you keep requesting them.

5. Actually play the dumb games like Farmville.

6. Take more than 4 quizzes a week.

I could come up with a lot more signs that your Fobsessed, but that whole ADHD thing is completely killing me right now. I might come back and add more later. But I'm curious to know if you guys are Fobsessed. Let me know in my comments on this post. This should be a fun experiment.

UPDATE: There's a great website out there that lets you see just how dumb people can be on Facebook. Use their mistakes as a learning experience. It's www.failbook.com. Enjoy!

There Goes My Sleep

Well, on an up note, I got one of those fancy Wacom Bamboo tablets for my birthday. What does this mean? It means my pictures will no longer suck! Well, not as badly anyway. I'm pretty obsessed with this thing and I think it's going to help put inspiration back in me. This is me right now:

The Something of Something or Other

I am going to post something here at some point today. I'm not exactly sure what yet, but I figure this incomplete post announcing this fact will motivate me to actually do it.

UPDATE: Alright, I know.... I suck! I fail at life. I said I would blog consistently and it's been, what, like 3 weeks since I lasted posted. Trust me, I'm just as frustrated with myself as you are, or as I like to imagine you are. Maybe that's just me in denial telling myself that people actually read this blog and want to hear what I have to say. Even if no one does read this, I'm still very disappointed in myself. In fact, this is where I rank on the Awesome Scale of Awesomeness (which I will now use to rate everything).

I'm so un-awesome, I don't even deserve a rank (meanwhile Chuck Norris is so awesome he's above the ranking).

The reason I haven't posted lately is because I feel completely uninspired. It is as though every ounce of witty sarcastic humor have vacated my body. I think I exhausted it. Each time I go one Facebook, I try to think of something witty to post as my status and can come up with absolutely nothing. Sad, yes. This post in and of itself is so lacking of humor that simply writing it makes me feel as though I'm being mauled by a bear: a dull unimaginative word bear.

This is how I feel:

Anyway, I promise I'll get back to posting (especially since school is done) as soon humor reenters my body. Perhaps aliens will abduct me and insert it back into my body like a probe. Or maybe that's how I lost it..... O_o

I Can't Really Put a Title to This Post When It Talks About Nothing

So you know those times when you really, really want to be able to do something but you just can't? Well, that's how I feel right now. I really really want to do a blog post since I didn't last night, but at the current moment, I am lacking in time to write any of my awesome ideas that will most likely end up being very long researched posts. And by research, I mean telling myself that I'm doing research when I'm really just screwing around doing absolutely nothing.

You may be asking yourself where this post is going. The truth is, I have yet to decide where it is going. I'm rambling in hopes that my meaningless rants will magically transform into something that people want to read about. So far, I fail. Don't mistake me, I have a ton of blog ideas, but none that I have time to write about in the half hour time allotment I have before leaving for track Divisionals.

To some of you, a half hour may seem like plenty of time. But those of you who have ADHD or a terribly easily distracted mind like myself will understand how difficult it is. So instead, I'm writing this post, still hoping it will turn into something..... Nope, not yet.

I could turn this post into a stupid joke. What is the deal with boxing rings. They call them rings, but they're square! They're so... square? You see? This is exactly why I can't do stand up comedy.

Well, I'm gonna stop writing now before you all decide you hate me. If you guys already do, I don't blame you. I kind of hate myself for being so lame and unoriginal right now. I think I'll go punch someone to cheer me up. Maybe Poncho. That usually makes me feel pretty good about myself.

So yeah, that's really all I have to say. Sorry for wasting your guys' time. I'm just gonna go get on the bus now...

Grocery Shopping + Hunger = Bad

Today I went grocery shopping and came to a conclusion. Grocery shopping when hungry is the WORST IDEA EVER!!! You end up wandering aimlessly in the isles, impulsively scooping whatever sounds good into your cart. And when you're hungry pretty much anything sounds good. "Ooooh, moldy socks sprinkled with dirt?! Yum!" Throws in cart.

Of course, then there's the unnecessarily painful checkout of costly food coming to a total of much more than you originally thought.

Cashier: That'll be $85.97

Me: Oh. Looks in wallet. I have $10, and, wait, uhh, 66 cents.

Cashier: Sorry, that's not enough.

Me: Wait, wait! Digs frantically in wallet as if more money has magically materialized since I last looked. What about a Border's gift card?

Cashier: ……

Me: Oh fine. I'll put it all back.

This is but one possible outcome. There is the chance that you have the money to buy everything, do so, take it home, and don't have the room to store it. It then remains sitting on the counter, mocking you and constantly reminding you of your pathetic moments of impulse. If you manage to actually find room in the cabinets to put everything away, you forget about the totally random cans of soup and bags of chips. They remain in this forgotten state until either freezer burn, mold, or staleness decides to step in, in which case the food is rendered useless and the money you spent is wasted.

So to save people from such horrible outcomes, I believe grocery stores should have a hunger sensor at the door that senses if you are hungry. If you are, the sensor would then begin omitting an annoying series of loud beeps and warnings. This is will either warn you of entering while hungry, or cause you to leave from sheer embarrassment at having caused such an annoying commotion. You know what? That is EXACTLY what we need. I should really patent these ideas.

Milestone!

As of 30 seconds ago, this blog hit a milestone with 1000 page views. Even though I still only have 8 followers, people are looking at my blog! This is good news. My stats page says that even people from Slovenia are looking at it. Yeah! My blog is international. I rock! Now I just hope more people start following it.

I Know What's Wrong With Me!

So, pretty much my entire life, people have told me there is something wrong with me, whether it is due to my complete and total OCD or compulsion to overachieve on everything. The exact classification of my mysterious disorder has remained elusive to me for all these years. But at last, the truth has been revealed. I have (drum roll please)…. ADHD!

Okay, you may have been expecting something a little more spectacular, but this is exciting news to me. I finally know what's wrong with me. I took this test online about a week ago. I scored a 105, though I'm not sure what this number means. Is it a percent? Am I really more than 100% ADHD? It can't be that bad. I mean, it could be, but still. They should really just explain what the number means.

Anyway, I thought about blogging about this revelation the day I found out about it, but then I got distracted by Criminal Minds and cleaning my room and memorizing quotes for fun. I really do need help, don't I? Well, now I can blame the ADHD. So, what exactly qualifies me for this grand disability , you may ask? I compiled a list:

NOTE: These were all questions on the test in which I was required to mark as Very True, all the way down the scale to Untrue.

1. I am ALWAYS moving. When I'm sitting down, I physically can't not move my hands for legs. If I stop, I suddenly become aware of a tingling and heaviness in my limbs.

2. I get unbelievably annoyed by minor things that should not annoy me. Anyone who knows me can testify to this. It pretty much happens on a daily basis. If someone mispronounces something, it will literally ruin my entire day. Just today, my chemistry lab sent me into near mental breakdown because it was not cooperating at all.

3. I can’t decide in which order to complete a series of tasks. Before I decided on doing this blog post, I went through and started several different ideas. This is also going on my third hour of typing this due to the fact that I keep switching back and forth between ideas. Even when doing homework, I start working on one subject and get bored with it so I switch to another. As I work on that subject, I think about how I should be doing Subject 1 and how it would just be easier if I finished Subject 1 first, so I get nothing accomplished on Subject 2 and switch back to Subject 1. Besides, I can always finish it in the morning. Of course, then I start watching TV or blogging and end up getting nothing accomplished, forcing me to cram both in the morning during my free period.

4. I have a temper. This goes along with point #2 but just to let it sink in, I'm telling you guys twice. I get seriously annoyed and angry at stupid things. Like the fact that I CAN'T TYPE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!! My backspace button is getting way more exercise than it should.

5. I really like applesauce and I want some right now. In fact, I'm going to stop typing and get myself some applesauce. On the way to my fridge, I'll probably get distracted by my book laying on the table and decide to read a few pages then get applesauce, then go put some of my laundry away, then plunk away on my keyboard, then realize I still haven't finished my blog post, and THEN come back and finish it. Wow, I got winded just typing that.

5. I say things without thinking and later regret having said them. I do not think before I speak. I speak with whatever thought is on my mind in complete sardonic and often brutal honesty. My impulse to talk first, think later, has made a lot of people dislike me. Not that I really care what people think of me, but it has still made certain situations much more difficult than the needed to be.

6. I'm always on the go. Yet another one of my problems is that I seem incapable of saying the word "no." This is a serious problem but I'm fairly sure there's no disease that causes this. Just insanity. No matter how much I have going on in my life, I always seem to find room to bury myself more and get myself involved in some sort of pointless activity which I don't even enjoy doing. I seriously need help.

7. I love daydreaming. I mean who doesn't? The difference, however, is that some people do it occasionally and know when to stop. I daydream all the time. Whether I am thinking of a blog post or writing my novels in my head or coming up with mental lists of things to do (and getting completely overwhelmed by them until by brain seems to synapse and shut down all functions), I never focus. Most the time, I hear a sort of white noise in the background of what I'm supposed to be listening to, but I don’t actually hear it. There have been many instances where I have actually held conversations while zoning out, then had absolutely no idea what was said.

So that is what is wrong with me. At least I know why I am the way I am now. My life is not so completely mysterious. Perhaps this discovery can give me some order to my life and help me resolve my issues. Eh… Probably not.

Luckily, I am way too motivated and determined to let this defeat me. I'm just lucky I'm so dedicated to schoolwork. If it weren't for my awesome self discipline, I probably wouldn't do half as well at school. Maybe everything about me isn't completely messed up.