Facebook Rulebook

Facebook has officially taken over the world. For centuries people have dreamt of world domination and failed miserably. Well, Mark Zuckerberg, you did it. You achieved what millions have failed to do. Congratulations on your invention that may well be the downfall of society and the human race. We're all very proud of you.

But I'm not writing this post to complain about Facebook. That would make me hypocritical. I, like 90% of people out there (even old people, which kind of freaks me out), use Facebook, though my addiction is significantly less severe than so many out there. I can easily live without Facebook with a small amountof self control, something most cannot say.

Though I use this site, I can't pretend that things (and people) on it don't annoy me. Since Facebook is taking over the world, I've decided there needs to be rules established for this kingdom to prevent such annoying anarchy. Therefore, I have come up with a list of rules for Facebook. You must all now follow them, or face my wrath.

There are five main components that make up Facebook, and each has their own rules.

The Profile Picture: The profile picture is major component of Facebook, considering modern society places so much importance on appearance.

1. I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at pictures of people (mostly girls, but this does not exclude you guys!) taken by themselves in the bathroom mirror. Come up with something better! It is really that hard to walk outside and point the camera at yourself? I've learned more about peoples' bathrooms from those pictures that their appearance. And FYI… fluorescent lighting makes you look green.

2. Guys- DO NOT make your profile picture one of your flexing. No, you don't look "buff" and it does not make others think you are cool. It also does not make girls think you're hot. You just look like a douche.

The Status: The Status is perhaps the most important aspect of Facebook. It is a gateway into your thoughts and life. A bad status can change the way people view you. Therefore, it has many rules.

1. Don't post vague statuses. I hate when people write something like, "Something really exciting happened today!" Yeah…. Soooooo? WHAT WAS IT? Seriously, don't post something if you're not going to tell others what it's about. If you don't want people to know details, then you probably shouldn't post anything about it on Facebook at all.

2. Be intelligent. I now this can be difficult for many of you out there, but please try. By intelligent, I don't mean that you have to say some sort of deep profound epiphany that will go down as history in the philosophy books. Just put some thought it what you say. Make sure others will actually care what you say and please, please, please spell it right! I'll give you a hint: If you aren't so good at spelling, Google Chrome has spell check for everything you type. There is no excuse for stupid misspelled words. Also, don't use text abbreviations. Don't say lol or 2 or anything like that. They're bad enough on cell phones. Don't let them invade computers.

3. Post things that summarize your day or a specific profound event. Don't tell us a menial aspect of your day like, "Brushing my teeth. Minty! Hahahaha!" We don't care about every little second of your life. I sure don't go no Facebook saying, "I wonder if so and so if eating dinner right now. I wonder what they’re having. I really hope they posted!" In fact, no one really cares about you say period. They read it because it's there. So please spare your friends of the dumb constant meaningless updates. That's what Twitter is for.

4. Control the number of times a day you post. Obviously if someone looks at your wall and see you've updated your status 5 times already, they are left with the obvious conclusion that you have no life. I know some of you don't, but you don't need to unknowingly advertise it by constantly doing things on Facebook. Limit your status updates to once, maybe twice, a day.

5. Don't post inside jokes as your status. Those are reserved for walls specifically. If you want to share an inside joke with a friend, post it on their wall. If you put it as your status, chances are they won't even see it. Hate to break it to you but your activity only shows up on about 30% of your friends' news feed. By the way, did you know that 78% of all statistics are made up on the spot? Anyway, please don't post statuses that will not serve their purpose and simply confuse all others who read it.

6. If you post a quote, post something either deep and thoughtful, or genuinely humorous. This goes the same for song lyrics. No one needs to read lyrics like, "My lip gloss brings all the boys to the yard." I think everyone can live without ever hearing or even reading that.

Pictures: Pictures are the third most crucial component of Facebook. They are it's visual and, considering we like in a scoiety of illiteral people who focus entirely on the visual aspect of everything, you need good pictures. This is 90% of all people: "Hey, words! I wonder what they say. Ooooh! Pictures! Let's look at those instead." Even if you are the most intelligent person which you demonstrate in your statuses, one dumb picture can ruin it all. Thus, here are some rules:

1. Don't post provocative pictures. This is the worst thing you can possibly do. It makes you look trashy and skanky. Most people don't realize that colleges and employers often look at Facebook profiles. Bad pictures can completely ruin your chances of getting hired to accepted to a college. Besides, do you really want creepy people looking at such pictures? Not likely.

2. Don't post drunken party pictures of you acting stupid. This goes for the same reasons as above.

3. Don't post bad pictures of friends. They will hate you. Granted, sometimes friends still get angry for pictures you post that they think look bad that really don't look bad. Use your judgment in such cases. If you think it looks bad, chances are everyone else will, too.

4. Don't call yourself a photographer on your albums just because you were screwing around with a camera and got a few good pictures. This does not make you qualified as a photographer. It will only annoy those of us that are who have actually studied it and made a business out of it.

Apps: Apps can be a fun aspect of Facebook if youa re bored. However, not everyone has time to play on such games. Therefore, DO NOT send requests to other to "join me on your farm!" We don't want to! And even if we did, we may not have time so by flaunting that you have time to play games, you're pretty much slapping us in the face. It's a way of saying "Haha, your life sucks." But most the time, we just don't want to play stupid meaningless, pointless games. We would rather be doing something productive so stop sending requests. And please don't answer questions either. Most people don't care if you think they look good in a bathing suit. Not to mention the fact that an offensive answer on such applications can give you enemies for life.

Friends: What would Facebook be without friends? Nothing. You would be a lonely soul posting things for no one only pretending like people care. Gee, kind of sounds like blogging. Hmm... Anyhow, friending is also a fine art to master in the concept of Facebooking.

1. Don't confirm friend requests from people you don't know. Can we say Facebook stalker?

2. Vice versa, don't friend request people you don't know. Then you become the stalker. If you're going to stalk, be discrete about it.

3. Don't accept requests from people you KNOW you don't like or find annoying. This simply means that you will end up seeing all of their annoying posts that will make you want to rip your hair out as you read them.

4. Lastly, and most importantly, DO NOT friend your parents. I think we can all understand why on this one without explanation.

So there you have it: The Official Guide to Facebook. Follow it or I will find you and hunt you down on Facebook.

Now, as a fun little bonus, I put together a list of signs to tell if you or someone else is Fobsessed (Get it? Facebook Obsessed- Fobsessed? Okay, it's not that funny).

You know you're Fobsessed when you…

1. Facebook stalk on a daily basis

2. Update your status more than two times a day.

3. Go into withdrawal period where you have uncontrollable seizures when you must go a day without Facebook.

4. Have over 500 friends. I mean come on, it's not like you're actually friends with that many people. That many people don't seriously like you. They just accept your friend request because they are tired of ignoring it as you keep requesting them.

5. Actually play the dumb games like Farmville.

6. Take more than 4 quizzes a week.

I could come up with a lot more signs that your Fobsessed, but that whole ADHD thing is completely killing me right now. I might come back and add more later. But I'm curious to know if you guys are Fobsessed. Let me know in my comments on this post. This should be a fun experiment.

UPDATE: There's a great website out there that lets you see just how dumb people can be on Facebook. Use their mistakes as a learning experience. It's www.failbook.com. Enjoy!