As most of you probably know (considering those that are reading this blog at point are all people I know), I recently went on a European expedition to Spain, Portugal, and Morocco, Africa. Now I know what you're all thinking: Awesome! Spanish food, hot Spanish men, flamenco dancers, the Mediterranean Sea, and bombings in Africa! That sounds like a blast. As much fun as these things were, there are a few things that the Travel Channel does not prepare you for while on a vacation abroad. Thus, I have put together the ultimate guide to travelling around the world. Okay, maybe not the world, but at least in the countries I went to.
1. Bring a rape whistle. In a foreign country, there is always the risk of some creepy man jumping out of a dark deserted alleyway and kidnapping you. So, always bring a rape whistle. You can actually even get those fancy backpacks that have one built in.
2. Don't trust the milk. Europe does not believe in milk, at least not the normal healthy kind we do. Europe believes in thick creamy milk that is somewhere crossed between coffee creamer and whole milk. IN addition, they do not believe in cold milk. Their milk is simply left to sit fermenting on the counter, breeding who knows how many germs and e-coli bacteria. I'm not even sure the milk was from a cow. It was probably from a llama or maybe a camel. Either way, not my first choice of milk to drink.
3. Crossing streets=dangerous. In Europe, the only thing more dangerous than creepy rapists waiting around every corner, is the traffic. Here, pedestrians DO NOT have the right-of-way. If you are in the road, a car will hit you. This leaves you with the option of either A) walking way out of the way to find a crosswalk, as they are far and few between, or B) taking your life into your hands by skillfully running through the gaps between the cars. On the plus side, my European experience gave me the perfect opportunity to perfect my sense of timing. You'd be surprised how much the threat of painful death or extreme injury can rapidly improve your physical capabilities. By the way, there are no speed limits in Europe. Not one sign exists. This therefore transforms the cars from normal vehicles into speeding missiles of death.
4. Bring a face mask and a lot of Axe. So I know it may seem like the worst smell in the world is the overpowering scent of guys when they feel the need to drown themselves in cologne, but trust me, in Europe, you're going to be the one forcing your man into a bathtub filled with Axe so it permeates his skin and will give off the odor for the remainder of your trip. Wow, longest sentence ever. This smell would be a relief to the incessant overpowering smell of smoke that seems to follow you EVERYWHERE in Europe. Unlike America, there are no laws against smoking in public facilities, and to make it worse, everyone smokes. I swear I even saw a baby smoking. Well, maybe not, but it wouldn't surprise me if I had seen it. The smoke hangs in the hair like an angry cloud of gnats that follows you everywhere. It clogs your nose and soaks into your skin and clothes making it to where you need to takemultiple shows and do multiple loads of laundry to get it out. If you travel to Europe, this is something you can't avoid, but you can, however, save your lungs from blackening with lung cancer in the few days you are there. Where one of those lame hospital masks, even though you may look dumb. But hey, most natives think tourists looks like idiots anyway, so it really doesn't matter.
5. Pick the right payphone. Choosing a payphone to call home on is a very critical decision which should be made with great care. Why is this decision so important? When talking on a pay phone, time is critical considering each minute is wasting Euros, which translates into a lot more American dollars. This precious time should not wasted. So, don’t pick the pay phone outside of a night club with a crazy guy offering you free shots. Form experience, he will not go away when he sees you talking on the phone, but will instead be even more insistent and become even louder. He will also ensure the band in the club plays extra loud. Don't pick a pay phone that looks beat up.
More than likely, it won't work and you'll end up wasting about 10 minutes attempting to make it work, since we as humans seem incapable of admitting something is broken and we are not intelligent enough to conquer it. Don't go in the cool red, British phone booths. Yes, they make you look awesome and give you the feeling as though you are entering the Ministry of Magic, but they do not work. These booths were very unfriendly. My attempts at using them ending in a disappointing failure, and embarrassing arguments in the middle of a busy street with an inanimate object. Just stay clear of them.
<---------See how happy and cool I look in this picture with this awesome pay phone? Yeah, I'm really not talking to anyone. I'm only putting on a happy face and acting as thought I'm talking to someone for the sake of taking a picture of myself in one. There is no one on the other line other than my own mind yelling at the dumb phone booth.
In short, Europe is a wonderful place that is both exciting and dangerous. It will provide plenty of moments in which you will get ample opportunity to make a fool of yourself in front of other ethnicities, embarrassing your country. These are the moments that make Europe worth it. So put on your bets tourist clothes, strap that camera around your neck, and put on your rape whistle, and you're set to go!
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